SLIPPING THROUGH MY FINGERS

Dated 23/07/2007

For the past few days I've been busy since my father and my younger sister were here and was a little bit off mood since R was out of station. Now everything is back to normal and I have enough to think and scribble.

My younger sister A, who was with me foe the past few days is my paternal first cousin. She is three years younger than me and is getting married soon. Even though she is very attached to her parents she is more free to express her views and doubts when she's with me.

All these years, she was some sort of a tomboy who lacked feminine grace, in the eyes of all around her including me. May be it was due to her deliberate efforts to make us think that way. Even though there are girls younger than her in our family I've always considered her as the baby of our family, despite her being more strong in character and mature than me.

Coming to our relationship, we hate to be identified as cousins and whenever we are asked we say we are sisters. In school A used to fight with teachers and students if anyone of them told her that I am not her sibling. When I was a kid, my father used to threaten me by saying that he will disinherit me from his estate and will give everything to Anu, if I didn't obey him. And honestly, I was never threatened or I never felt sad and more than once I was happy and wished for something like that to happen so that I will have more easy access to it if it belonged to her. And that's how we love each other.

She's like a daughter to me and I have often told R that she's my first child. So now that she's getting married I've all the anxieties of a mother marrying off her daughter. Apart from the anxieties there is the realization part. After seeing her as a kid, a tomboy..etc, I was sure that she doesn't have the much needed ladylike characteristics for a romantic relationship and I was afraid the groom was in for a disappointment. But as each day passes by, I am astonished the changes in my kid sister. The realization of her femininity was something of an emotional shock for me.

Then comes the possessiveness that I have always felt about her. Since I consider myself to be her mentor and I see her like my child, I am very much disturbed at the prospect of losing my importance in her life. Then there is my obsession to make her more and more stylish and good looking. And finally there is the stinging heart ache on realizing the fact that she's going very far away from me. She is going to fly away with her husband to the UAE and will visit us only once in a year or once in two years.

I will miss her. I will miss her complaints, her smell, her voice, her face, her stubbornness, her help in every crisis, playing cards with her, her love, ........ I will miss everything about her... Every mother will feel the same..

Oh God! help me.. for I love her so much.

BAD MOOD


I am not in a good mood and its because I have been asked to do something that I don’t want to do by someone whom I can’t deny. I don’t know why is it that, such things always happen to me or does it happen to everyone? I wonder! As for my decision I am not confused but I am really in a dilemma about how to say no. And for all these reasons I am in a really bad mood now.

Whenever I am in a bad mood it affects R so much since I take out my anger and irritation on him. I find fault with whatever he does and I start pestering him over trivial matters. May be its because I don’t have anyone else to communicate or may be its my feeling that he is not interested in my problems.

My bad mood destroys my whole day since I suddenly lose interest in making anything to eat or cleaning up or other similar house hold chores. Today its not a problem since the request came after I had finished my daily chores except the folding of laundered clothes.

So now I am in an even worse mood, so that I don’t even feel like writing more about it.. Phew!!!

Unhappily Happy

All I could make out of my surroundings was the comfort of my room. The fan was spinning at my favorite speed, warm sunlight was streaming into the room through the pale white curtains, the crossword book lay beside me with my little sleek pen, my kitten was sleeping beside me… It was my room, my world, the house I and my husband rented when he got transferred. I couldn't’t understand why I was screaming in my dream…
I dragged my sleepy self out of the bed straight to the wash stand. I couldn't’t find anything wrong with myself in the mirror. I looked at my husband sleeping soundly. I didn’t understand what I felt at the very sight of him. It was good to know that at least he was peaceful. Then why couldn't’t I be peaceful? I have all I want… of course there are some financial deficiencies but wasn’t that a problem with everyone. Otherwise I have no other problem to pinpoint my nightmares on. Was it because I don’t have any kids? But that didn’t bother me to the extent I projected. The depression I said I suffered from being childless was a kind of a mask to escape from lot of other mood swings I normally exhibited.
Awake from my thoughts I washed and cleaned myself up for the day. Now it was time to head to the centre of my world, the kitchen. That was the one place where I can be happy or unhappy or irritated or merry without any kind of interference from anyone else. Even on Sundays I prefer to do all the kitchen chores including dish washing because that gives me time to stay away from circumstances requiring pretences.
As I was making coffee I started jotting down my day’s plans and was quite satisfied to see that I could remember of a lot of things to finish. With R’s coffee in hand I returned to wake him up.
This is just the beginning of my day. It is always the same with Coffee, breakfast, cleaning, washing, laundry, tidying, lunch and finally looking in the mirror just to sigh at my obese figure. But still I am not keen on dieting or exercise or any sort of slimming process. Why should I when I am happy and content with what life has bestowed upon me?

Family

Always I have been wishing to have a joint family, but if someone asks me for an advise whether to go for it or not i would say no. Its not because of the fact that i don't want those people to enjoy the benefits of a joint family, its just that i don't want them blaming at some point of their life that it was because of me that they lost their chance to enjoy life to the fullest, all because they had to consider so many family members and their wishes before doing even the simplest of the tasks.

Crazy ME????

I am always irritated about something or the other. I know its not because of the other people around me, its because of my wish to be left alone at all times. I remember distinctly that in my childhood i did show some traits of being an introvert. and its all coming back to me now. i feel myself being drawn into a shell. My mind tends to shrink from the outside world and its strange customs to a completely different world that i have created through my readings and thoughts. in that world nothing is moral or immoral. everything is neutral and not judged on the basis of any set standards of morality as is that fact that there is no male or female in my world, everyone is a neuter. all are just human beings who has the capacity to think and talk and move and live.

Usually my train of thoughts start when i am looking outside through a window. now a days no window gives me a sight that i cherish so i look through the window of my heart and see what i want to see and i am happy. there i can see the whole universe fused together into a small dot and my whole life spanning around it. i loath the idea of descriptive and detailed flash backs shown in Indian cinema. because never ever i have had such a re run of my life. everything that i can recall can be put together and it may be a few flashes of memories that you want to change or you don't want to change.

In my world there are relationships but no one is compelled to be related to any one. its just ones own wish to be related that is important. There is no chance for anyone to get hurt if there is not much hope concentrated on a few relationships. and thus goes my world into which i have started to shrink into.

but i don't think any one really understands me or me traversing through the thin line separating sanity and insanity. everyone is well deceived by my window dressing of being an extrovert and an open book. i am happy that i am playing the role of the prudent house wife to the fullest and that too successfully.

Malayalam Movies – From art to “entertainment”?

There was a time when the malayali audience loved movies with original and heart wrenching stories, which were meant to make people think again and again about the world around them. Now I truly believe that the time has changed due to the fate of movies like palunku, kaiyoppu, ananda bhairavi etc.
The malayali audiences are whole heartedly welcoming, in and out entertainers even if they belong to other languages like hindi, tamil, English or even dubbed movies from telugu. I am not saying that one should not watch those movies, but why shouldn’t one watch a movie which is closer to life. Even the standards of one’s living, fashion and morality is set by those stereotyped entertainers. It is evident from the fact that they watch the ghost rider and not the departed, happy feet but not blood diamond.
May be this is happening all over India or even all over the world but I am concerned about the malayali audience because there was a time when Malayalam movies were the main winners of most of the categories in the national awards and a lot of them made their mark in various international film festivals. But now the film makers are not willing to follow this line because of the trends shown by the audience.
Malayali can’t accept a movie in which a child is raped, an adulterous is given chance to correct herself, the hero is a common man without any firecracker dialogues and actions, the main character is a woman, there is no peppy song ….. and the list can go on.
Till a few years back Malayalam movies represented the artistic and realistic side of movie making and had the power to entertain too. And many outside film makers and “artists” were filling to sacrifice their monetary benefits just to be a part of a Malayalam movie. But now all this is gone and have been replaced by superficial heroes and slapstick comedians, because that’s what the audiences want.
Even Hindi, Tamil and other regional language film industries are willing to make more and more experimental movies, while the numbers are becoming fewer and fewer in Malayalam.

I do love to watch entertaining movies and I enjoyed movies like Dhoom, Pokkiri, Ghilli, etc. But I don’t confine my movie watching to these movies alone. And I look forward to a day when Malayalam movies will regain their art and honour.

What’s happening!?

This is about something that I saw a few days back while I was shopping. I was going through Banerjee Road in a bus and that’s when I saw a young lady walking along the road with a small child (presumably her daughter) and I saw to my horror that child was walking along the outer side (close to the traffic) and the lady was not paying any attention to the child’s daring ventures. Even after the bus in which I was sitting passed them I couldn’t forget the danger to which the child was exposed.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the only time I was forced to see such neglect from the part of an adult. Wherever you go, you can see such scenes if you really keep your eyes open. Sometimes I have even seen some young mothers grooming their hair or fixing their dupattas in the middle of the traffic leaving the hands of their children. I am not sure whether there have been any unfortunate events due to this carelessness. But I am bothered about the changing attitude of young mothers of today.

Women are so careful when it comes to their career, looks… even their husbands... but in many places or rather houses I’ve seen mothers caring very little for their kids. Once I even asked a mother and she said that she’s preparing her child to have an independent life in the future. I found it ridiculous. I do understand the pressure and stress with which the women of today are living. They are actually living like super humans. For most of them life is a marathon between office job and house hold chores. But does that justify the absence of small caring gestures like walking your child along the inner side of the road, keeping their dirty hands of their mouth while traveling in filthy buses and trains, giving them seats by choosing to stand when there is only one seat available.. etc etc… I can go on. I have known women of the previous generation who were working women, who had more number of kids and had to lead their life under less favorable conditions but never this neglect.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that women are being more and more self centered now a days and they see their children as just another responsibility. Their minds are always preoccupied with several thoughts that they have no time to give their kids… not even while they are in the midst of heavy motor traffic.