I have always had this confusion about whether to go for
a job or not, and I think I will continue to have it. Finally, two years back I
did venture into a fulltime job scenario. I can’t say I particularly disliked
the feeling and I didn’t really love it either. It’s just that I was never able
to give my 100% to these jobs. Something held me back throughout. I succeeded
in blaming that my inability to pursue a successful career is a result of my
duty consciousness as a wife. But I don’t think that is the whole truth.
Nevertheless, I am still not able to identify the accurate reason. There may be
many.
May be I am just born lazy. May be I am scared of facing
the fact that I may not be as best as I believe myself to be. It is just that I
was never able to take that single step that would have made me a different
employee. One moment I want to work late and then I think of the comfort of
watching TV on my couch and feel like I have to go home NOW.
One of my previous bosses said, I don’t have the fire
inside me to be the best. He said I am not ambitious enough. May be that is
true. But I can’t agree fully, because there were moments of ambition and urge
to make it big and best. I think there was not enough oil to keep the fire
burning. One moment I will promise
myself to make a few sacrifices on the personal front and be truthful to my
career and within no time I feel like throwing it all away for the peace and
comfort of my home.
Actually, it wasn’t this bad in the beginning. My first
full time and REAL job, did become a part of my life until fate showed me that
it had other plans. It was a messy situation and I am still not able to get
over it. It really doesn’t matter that the ending was a tragic one, it was
perfect up until the end, like some relationships. From the beginning I was
happy and contented and loved what I did. While working there I never had any
issues of not having ambition or “fire”. But the way it ended did alter my life
forever. All my commitment issues with my career is a result of what happened
then.
The end of it was like being crushed under a gigantic
boulder, a boulder which had a voice that kept on telling me that I am not what
I am. I can still feel the pain my heart. I was sincere, worked with all my
heart. I was not just a job for me, from where I wanted to go when I got a
better opportunity. I was there for myself and for the firm. The hurt of having
to leave all that behind just because certain people were keen on having me
gone forever is still fresh. And by the time it heals and I am ready for a
fresh start I will be totally ineligible for a job as per industry norms. So
like I said I am confused.
Should I suck it up and bury my issues deep inside and
continue with the option of having a career, regardless of the fact that it’s
still not sure whether I will be happy or not?
Or should I take my time and get over all my psychological blocks or
issues and hope that when it is time, there will be a job waiting for me somewhere, or I may find myself sure that
I did good thing by facing my demons?
What do I want? I still don’t know.
I really need to work on it. But one thing that I surely
want is peace of mind.
