SLIPPING THROUGH MY FINGERS

Dated 23/07/2007

For the past few days I've been busy since my father and my younger sister were here and was a little bit off mood since R was out of station. Now everything is back to normal and I have enough to think and scribble.

My younger sister A, who was with me foe the past few days is my paternal first cousin. She is three years younger than me and is getting married soon. Even though she is very attached to her parents she is more free to express her views and doubts when she's with me.

All these years, she was some sort of a tomboy who lacked feminine grace, in the eyes of all around her including me. May be it was due to her deliberate efforts to make us think that way. Even though there are girls younger than her in our family I've always considered her as the baby of our family, despite her being more strong in character and mature than me.

Coming to our relationship, we hate to be identified as cousins and whenever we are asked we say we are sisters. In school A used to fight with teachers and students if anyone of them told her that I am not her sibling. When I was a kid, my father used to threaten me by saying that he will disinherit me from his estate and will give everything to Anu, if I didn't obey him. And honestly, I was never threatened or I never felt sad and more than once I was happy and wished for something like that to happen so that I will have more easy access to it if it belonged to her. And that's how we love each other.

She's like a daughter to me and I have often told R that she's my first child. So now that she's getting married I've all the anxieties of a mother marrying off her daughter. Apart from the anxieties there is the realization part. After seeing her as a kid, a tomboy..etc, I was sure that she doesn't have the much needed ladylike characteristics for a romantic relationship and I was afraid the groom was in for a disappointment. But as each day passes by, I am astonished the changes in my kid sister. The realization of her femininity was something of an emotional shock for me.

Then comes the possessiveness that I have always felt about her. Since I consider myself to be her mentor and I see her like my child, I am very much disturbed at the prospect of losing my importance in her life. Then there is my obsession to make her more and more stylish and good looking. And finally there is the stinging heart ache on realizing the fact that she's going very far away from me. She is going to fly away with her husband to the UAE and will visit us only once in a year or once in two years.

I will miss her. I will miss her complaints, her smell, her voice, her face, her stubbornness, her help in every crisis, playing cards with her, her love, ........ I will miss everything about her... Every mother will feel the same..

Oh God! help me.. for I love her so much.

BAD MOOD


I am not in a good mood and its because I have been asked to do something that I don’t want to do by someone whom I can’t deny. I don’t know why is it that, such things always happen to me or does it happen to everyone? I wonder! As for my decision I am not confused but I am really in a dilemma about how to say no. And for all these reasons I am in a really bad mood now.

Whenever I am in a bad mood it affects R so much since I take out my anger and irritation on him. I find fault with whatever he does and I start pestering him over trivial matters. May be its because I don’t have anyone else to communicate or may be its my feeling that he is not interested in my problems.

My bad mood destroys my whole day since I suddenly lose interest in making anything to eat or cleaning up or other similar house hold chores. Today its not a problem since the request came after I had finished my daily chores except the folding of laundered clothes.

So now I am in an even worse mood, so that I don’t even feel like writing more about it.. Phew!!!