Unhappily Happy

All I could make out of my surroundings was the comfort of my room. The fan was spinning at my favorite speed, warm sunlight was streaming into the room through the pale white curtains, the crossword book lay beside me with my little sleek pen, my kitten was sleeping beside me… It was my room, my world, the house I and my husband rented when he got transferred. I couldn't’t understand why I was screaming in my dream…
I dragged my sleepy self out of the bed straight to the wash stand. I couldn't’t find anything wrong with myself in the mirror. I looked at my husband sleeping soundly. I didn’t understand what I felt at the very sight of him. It was good to know that at least he was peaceful. Then why couldn't’t I be peaceful? I have all I want… of course there are some financial deficiencies but wasn’t that a problem with everyone. Otherwise I have no other problem to pinpoint my nightmares on. Was it because I don’t have any kids? But that didn’t bother me to the extent I projected. The depression I said I suffered from being childless was a kind of a mask to escape from lot of other mood swings I normally exhibited.
Awake from my thoughts I washed and cleaned myself up for the day. Now it was time to head to the centre of my world, the kitchen. That was the one place where I can be happy or unhappy or irritated or merry without any kind of interference from anyone else. Even on Sundays I prefer to do all the kitchen chores including dish washing because that gives me time to stay away from circumstances requiring pretences.
As I was making coffee I started jotting down my day’s plans and was quite satisfied to see that I could remember of a lot of things to finish. With R’s coffee in hand I returned to wake him up.
This is just the beginning of my day. It is always the same with Coffee, breakfast, cleaning, washing, laundry, tidying, lunch and finally looking in the mirror just to sigh at my obese figure. But still I am not keen on dieting or exercise or any sort of slimming process. Why should I when I am happy and content with what life has bestowed upon me?

Family

Always I have been wishing to have a joint family, but if someone asks me for an advise whether to go for it or not i would say no. Its not because of the fact that i don't want those people to enjoy the benefits of a joint family, its just that i don't want them blaming at some point of their life that it was because of me that they lost their chance to enjoy life to the fullest, all because they had to consider so many family members and their wishes before doing even the simplest of the tasks.

Crazy ME????

I am always irritated about something or the other. I know its not because of the other people around me, its because of my wish to be left alone at all times. I remember distinctly that in my childhood i did show some traits of being an introvert. and its all coming back to me now. i feel myself being drawn into a shell. My mind tends to shrink from the outside world and its strange customs to a completely different world that i have created through my readings and thoughts. in that world nothing is moral or immoral. everything is neutral and not judged on the basis of any set standards of morality as is that fact that there is no male or female in my world, everyone is a neuter. all are just human beings who has the capacity to think and talk and move and live.

Usually my train of thoughts start when i am looking outside through a window. now a days no window gives me a sight that i cherish so i look through the window of my heart and see what i want to see and i am happy. there i can see the whole universe fused together into a small dot and my whole life spanning around it. i loath the idea of descriptive and detailed flash backs shown in Indian cinema. because never ever i have had such a re run of my life. everything that i can recall can be put together and it may be a few flashes of memories that you want to change or you don't want to change.

In my world there are relationships but no one is compelled to be related to any one. its just ones own wish to be related that is important. There is no chance for anyone to get hurt if there is not much hope concentrated on a few relationships. and thus goes my world into which i have started to shrink into.

but i don't think any one really understands me or me traversing through the thin line separating sanity and insanity. everyone is well deceived by my window dressing of being an extrovert and an open book. i am happy that i am playing the role of the prudent house wife to the fullest and that too successfully.