The Curious Case of Mily

I have always had this confusion about whether to go for a job or not, and I think I will continue to have it. Finally, two years back I did venture into a fulltime job scenario. I can’t say I particularly disliked the feeling and I didn’t really love it either. It’s just that I was never able to give my 100% to these jobs. Something held me back throughout. I succeeded in blaming that my inability to pursue a successful career is a result of my duty consciousness as a wife. But I don’t think that is the whole truth. Nevertheless, I am still not able to identify the accurate reason. There may be many.

May be I am just born lazy. May be I am scared of facing the fact that I may not be as best as I believe myself to be. It is just that I was never able to take that single step that would have made me a different employee. One moment I want to work late and then I think of the comfort of watching TV on my couch and feel like I have to go home NOW.

One of my previous bosses said, I don’t have the fire inside me to be the best. He said I am not ambitious enough. May be that is true. But I can’t agree fully, because there were moments of ambition and urge to make it big and best. I think there was not enough oil to keep the fire burning.  One moment I will promise myself to make a few sacrifices on the personal front and be truthful to my career and within no time I feel like throwing it all away for the peace and comfort of my home.

Actually, it wasn’t this bad in the beginning. My first full time and REAL job, did become a part of my life until fate showed me that it had other plans. It was a messy situation and I am still not able to get over it. It really doesn’t matter that the ending was a tragic one, it was perfect up until the end, like some relationships. From the beginning I was happy and contented and loved what I did. While working there I never had any issues of not having ambition or “fire”. But the way it ended did alter my life forever. All my commitment issues with my career is a result of what happened then.

The end of it was like being crushed under a gigantic boulder, a boulder which had a voice that kept on telling me that I am not what I am. I can still feel the pain my heart. I was sincere, worked with all my heart. I was not just a job for me, from where I wanted to go when I got a better opportunity. I was there for myself and for the firm. The hurt of having to leave all that behind just because certain people were keen on having me gone forever is still fresh. And by the time it heals and I am ready for a fresh start I will be totally ineligible for a job as per industry norms. So like I said I am confused.

Should I suck it up and bury my issues deep inside and continue with the option of having a career, regardless of the fact that it’s still not sure whether I will be happy or not?  Or should I take my time and get over all my psychological blocks or issues and hope that when it is time, there will be a job waiting for  me somewhere, or I may find myself sure that I did good thing by facing my demons?

What do I want? I still don’t know.

I really need to work on it. But one thing that I surely want is peace of mind.

The Sitcom and Soap Addiction 3

It wasn’t long before I finished watching all the dvd collections of Supernatural episodes that Star World India started airing the first 5 seasons of the show. And then later I found out that AXN India was airing the 6^th Season. So was able to cater to my Supernatural or rather Jared Padalecki addiction through these channels during the time I had to wait for each fresh episode to be aired in CW – US. I watched primetime airings and repeats. It is during this “glued to SPN” period that I happened to watch promos of The Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men. Both the series were going to be aired from the start and then my friend Renu Mathew introduced me to the dark passenger of Dexter. Then all the other shows followed suit, The Simpsons, Desperate Housewives, Friends, Raising Hope, How I Met Your Mother, Person of Interest, Touch, Missing, Unforgettable, Criminal Minds, Castle, Charlies Angels, Joey....

After SPN my favourites are the Desperate Housewives and The Big Bang Theory. All my love for The Big Bang Theory is concentrated on two characters Penny and Sheldon. The combination of the two of them is hilarious enough to make me rolling on the ground with laughter. I do this when I am alone and I am pretty sure that anyone peeking in will confirm that I need to be committed. But what better medicine is there to take us through our messy lives than a totally hilarious TV show.

No matter how much of a bad time you are having, the funny people inside the idiot box can make you laugh. And I have to admit that I am sucker for funny sitcoms. But the show need not be an out and put comedy one. But my sweet tooth is for laughter. Because even in case of Supernatural my favourite episodes are the funny ones.

So.... now its time for me to watch some daytime reruns..

Next time, I will tell you about Desperate Housewives, because I am one.

The Sitcom and Soap Addiction Part 2

My mom seldom visits me at Kochi and the last time when she came she wanted me to watch something with her. She said it is a sci fi TV series from 2005 and said she loved the boys in it. It turned out to be....

Oh! Was I skeptical? And I didn't want to admit that I liked 'em. But then it went on to be an addiction especially when the leading men are such eye candies. I should say I fell for Jared Padalecki who portrays Sam Winchester the troubled, brooding younger Winchester brother.

So naturally I ended up watching all the 6 seasons until I was up to date on the series and continued on to watching the latest season (7). And need I say I am ecstatic that CW picked up the series for a new season.

Basically the show IS "Supernatural" with story line being anything but believable. Oh C'mon Lucifer killing Ganesha and defeating Kali, that is more than my Hindu heart could digest. But I watched all of it and still continue to watch it even though it is totally against most of my beliefs.

Just the love between the brothers and the importance given to family was enough of a story line for me. And Jared.... wooohoooo thats one sexy darling, to take eyes off.

The addiction continues......................

The Sitcom and Soap Addiction Part 1

I tried many times to be a regular and dedicated blogger. But always something came in the way. This time again I have promised myself to be a regular publisher. Now that I am not working, probably I will get more time.  Now, I have been a home maker for 2 months now and I have found a new area of interest. English TV Series.

There was a time when I was a serial-serial watcher. They were all Hindi soaps (most of them from Balaji telefilms). But now I watch them occasionally or rather accidently, when I am channel surfing. The reason why I am not interested in them anymore?? Addiction to Supernatural, The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, Raising Hope, Desperate Housewives, Dexter and Criminal Minds.

Oh... Its time for Two and a Half Men on Star World India..

Tah Tah... Buh Bye

Oh! Those Sunday Evenings!!

In many science fiction movies we come across references to portals that take us from one dimension to another. Sunday evenings are just that for me. It is a constant reminder of the two different persons inside me. I wonder if I will ever figure out which one is ME. The one who wants to spend her whole time taking care of the H's in her life - Husband & Home? Or the one who wants to make a place for herself in the big wide advertising world?

I know the easy solution is to be a bit of both. But how is that possible when they behave like two rivals trying to dominate me from within? They just don't seem to be adjusting with each other. Its been a while since I started this so called journey to find out which one is ME. But I don't think I will ever come up with an answer unless I am willing to be a bit more open to circumstances and meet obstacles with a more strong and sober attitude. I will have to redefine the word "COMFORT"in my dictionary.

Just like RJ says, you can't have everything and be all that you want in one lifetime. So I will have to simply choose the path I want to travel. For the past so many years of my life, I just let the paths choose me and now I must do the choosing instead. My mother would say I am being what she wanted me to be - if she read this. She strongly believes in a persons capability to control his or her life. I never believed it very strongly. But if I don't believe now, there is no point in believing later.

Just wish me luck.. will you?!?!

Another Start????

I don't really remember the last time I published a post. May be more than a year. In between so many things happened or rather changed in my life. Every time I type a post I promise myself to be a regular blogger, but somehow I am never able to do that. It is not that I am out of subjects or I am out of words. Its just that, I am lazy to type and click. This time I have promised to RJ that I am going to be a "Serial Blogger".

* * *

Just as I was finishing the last part I heard my colleagues talking in raised voices outside the office building and I went outside to see what it was about. It was then I realized they were simply having a nice relaxed time. That is very rare in our office. Most of the days the conversations that we have are confined to the phone calls we receive. Most of the calls are of short duration and consists mostly of monosyllables from our side. And the rest of the 10 hours we spend staring at our computer monitors, fingers flying over the key board or clicking away on the mouse. So today's relaxed time was a good thing, even if it was for a very short time of 10 to 15 minutes. So I am back again and now I have to think of something to write about. Of course I have to make sure that my writings are not harmful to anyone or even me.

Of course, today we are a bit relaxed, so I am able to type this much from office. Next time onward I will have to do it from home. Now I need to make a few phone calls. See you guys later.. Chao...

BACK TO THE FUTURE

Ok.. I am still alive. Its just that all this time I was thinking of being a great writer and never wrote more than a page. The best thing I can write about is my life and believe me, if I write the whole thing, Ekta Kapoor is going to grab the rights. But then how can I do it when my life is connected to the lives of so many others who wouldn't want to lose their privacy. May be I will write something down and keep it hidden and it can be published after my time.

Other than that I can't bring myself to write in malayalam. But I want to write in English, I am very particular about the theme and surroundings and I want them to be in harmony with my language. So I think my forte should be non-fiction. Thats what I did all this time. I came to a decision that I am going to write something that will make a difference in this world.

But all this is possible if and only if I get to think straight, without any major distractions. Now a days my major distraction is the fact that I am still not a mother. And the only person who will understand my explanation is my mother, who will never try to justify her daughter in front of others in matters that are trivial. Sometimes I am forced to believe that the main aim of any human being, both male and female is to bring children onto earth, and give everything to them.... I don't think like that. But I do want kids.. I would love to have more than one. But I am not desperate and I don't want others telling me when to have my baby. If it wasn't for my PC Ovaries I would have had kids by now.

I don't know how people fix their priorities. Because almost always it goes wrong, because one persons priorities seldom match with another's and human beings are social animals, so always there is a possibility for priorities to clash.

If I go on writing like this, it will be never ending. But I have to make kadala curry and wheat puttu. So gotta go.. See you guys some other time.

From a Hindu.

Hindutva or Hinduism is not a dogmatic or structured way of religion or culture or God worship. It is not a way of narrow-minded restricted living. Hindutva is a method to search for the ultimate truth or spirit. It is the most original and ancient way to reach God. Every other religion has something or the other that is originally not theirs, but being a Hindu means being an original.

Religion is not something that you are when you are in your mother’s womb. It is something that is given to inherit from your parents. So if you are born to parents of a particular religion, then you you belong to that religion by default. It is supposed to guide us through the blacks and whites of our life. But Hindutva is not a religion and is a way of living, so it can be a part of your life even when you are deep inside your mother.

Every religion has a God and they have to believe in that one God irrespective of their likes and dislikes. Many believe in God because they are scared of being punished. But in Hindutva you can choose your God from among the many and the fear factor is restricted to a few forms of God. In most of the religions it is believed that they will obtain salvation only if they follow their particular religion and God. But Hindutva never speaks about saving Hindus. It speaks for the whole of the mankind or rather the whole of the universe. Every living and non-living thing is the same in the eyes of God.

May be Hinduism, if it can be called a religion as so adamantly insisted by many, is one among the very rare religions in which there is no fixed evil. In Hindutva there is no name for the evil one, because, there is no devil. Good and evil are two things that co-exist in the universe. If that is so, then how can Indian culture be good and western culture be evil? When God sees Indians and Americans as the same, then why would he put forth different standards of Good and Evil?

But before that we must understand that there is no White or Black as such in Hindutva. Everything is in shades of grey. You can belong to a darker shade or a lighter shade all according to your actions. Like any other religion or practice Hindutva also urges to fight the evil. The evil that is mentioned here is not a separate entity like a different country or culture. The evil resides within all of us and we have to fight against this inward ugliness to reach a lighter shade of grey. To fight this evil we have to recognize its existence within ourselves and experience it. Without experiencing evil one cannot fight it.

Every religion or mythology or epic mentions about Holy wars. A holy war is not fought against someone else. It is not a war in which a few people fight against some others with weapons. It is a war that each and every one of us has to fight against all those factors within us, which are distancing us from reaching the ultimate truth of life. So the greatest war was not the one between the Pandavas and Kouravas, it was the war that Arjuna had within himself. To fight or not to fight. And Lord Krishna showed him the way. Mahabharata is not just a story. It is a lesson and the most important chapter is the Geethopadesham. Any Hindu who has understood the Bhagavath Geetha will ever behave like the Shiv sena or the Ram sena.

In all the epics and mythical stories that lay the foundation of Hindutva, there are only a few things to learn.

One
No man or woman is good or bad by birth, it is their Karma that makes them do what they are doing and whatever they do, it has been previously decided by God almighty. No one can do anything against the will of God.

Two
Everything that happens, happens for a reason and no one can stop it from happening and if anything is stopped at all, it is because it was meant to be stopped.

Three
Man is a simple creature in comparison to God and man can be closer to God only by fulfilling his karma and dharma.

Four
Above all, Hindutva is all about respecting, humbleness, simplicity, love, understanding and broadmindedness.

(To be continued...)

There it goes....

Sometimes I think I have matured so much. Sometimes I think I already know what all the philosophers in this world conveyed as the secret to a happy life. But then sometimes I simply lose all the control over my temper. Those are the times when I feel ignored or taken for granted. But before going into all that I would like to tell my readers that I was not blogging for the past few months because I got a part time contract based job and I was busy like hell managing the job and home. Now the contract is over and I am free. By going for the job I realized two things. One is that if I want I can start working anytime and I haven't lost touch. The second is that I hate to work. I simply hate it. I do love the fact that I get some money for the work I do. But I hate the fact that I never get to keep it. I hate the fact that I am not able to find time for myself. But then I am the only person who is bothered about me. My mother sent me a message and it said that the whole universe helps us to fulfill our dreams, no matter how stupid or silly it may seem to those around me and only we ourselves know the pain it takes to fulfill those dreams. True...... very true. I have been discouraged so much or guided so much through other channels that, now I am reluctant to share my dream with anyone else. So back to my temper. I hate lies, false accusations, buck passing and broken promises. How can people be so petty and so selfish and so carried away? It hurts when someone so close to me fails to make me feel special. Everyone knows they are not special. But the people who claim to love us are supposed to make us feel special. Buying something expensive or a candle lit dinner may not do the job. It may be something as simple as "I will make you a coffee" or "Today I am not going with my friends, I will stay with you and we will do together all those things that I do with my friends" and so on. I often see men spending money for their wives, but they forget to spend some time with their wives. How about holding an umbrella while she is doing some outdoor activity and telling her he doesn't want to ruin her complexion? Do I sound filmy? But take my word, it works. It works miracles. Oh Oh!! By the way its my time to work miracles in the kitchen and there goes my ............. Damn!! So TATA BYE BYE