The Curious Case of Mily

I have always had this confusion about whether to go for a job or not, and I think I will continue to have it. Finally, two years back I did venture into a fulltime job scenario. I can’t say I particularly disliked the feeling and I didn’t really love it either. It’s just that I was never able to give my 100% to these jobs. Something held me back throughout. I succeeded in blaming that my inability to pursue a successful career is a result of my duty consciousness as a wife. But I don’t think that is the whole truth. Nevertheless, I am still not able to identify the accurate reason. There may be many.

May be I am just born lazy. May be I am scared of facing the fact that I may not be as best as I believe myself to be. It is just that I was never able to take that single step that would have made me a different employee. One moment I want to work late and then I think of the comfort of watching TV on my couch and feel like I have to go home NOW.

One of my previous bosses said, I don’t have the fire inside me to be the best. He said I am not ambitious enough. May be that is true. But I can’t agree fully, because there were moments of ambition and urge to make it big and best. I think there was not enough oil to keep the fire burning.  One moment I will promise myself to make a few sacrifices on the personal front and be truthful to my career and within no time I feel like throwing it all away for the peace and comfort of my home.

Actually, it wasn’t this bad in the beginning. My first full time and REAL job, did become a part of my life until fate showed me that it had other plans. It was a messy situation and I am still not able to get over it. It really doesn’t matter that the ending was a tragic one, it was perfect up until the end, like some relationships. From the beginning I was happy and contented and loved what I did. While working there I never had any issues of not having ambition or “fire”. But the way it ended did alter my life forever. All my commitment issues with my career is a result of what happened then.

The end of it was like being crushed under a gigantic boulder, a boulder which had a voice that kept on telling me that I am not what I am. I can still feel the pain my heart. I was sincere, worked with all my heart. I was not just a job for me, from where I wanted to go when I got a better opportunity. I was there for myself and for the firm. The hurt of having to leave all that behind just because certain people were keen on having me gone forever is still fresh. And by the time it heals and I am ready for a fresh start I will be totally ineligible for a job as per industry norms. So like I said I am confused.

Should I suck it up and bury my issues deep inside and continue with the option of having a career, regardless of the fact that it’s still not sure whether I will be happy or not?  Or should I take my time and get over all my psychological blocks or issues and hope that when it is time, there will be a job waiting for  me somewhere, or I may find myself sure that I did good thing by facing my demons?

What do I want? I still don’t know.

I really need to work on it. But one thing that I surely want is peace of mind.